All the scary, hard things you gotta do in a day

Maybe working as a freelancer and contractor these days, and having a daily schedule that is entirely up to me, makes me more prone ever to anxiety.  I don't have a workplace where my absence will be noted if I don't arrive by a certain time. For me to get things done and feel accomplished -- and to bring in money -- self-discipline is a given.

I don't know how well I do at self-discipline. I realize, though, that self-discipline really means tackling a whole list of tasks, hours filled with things to do. Some of these things are utterly routine and seemingly inconsequential -- like brushing my teeth or taking a shower. Others do require more meditation: making phone calls, finishing an article for a deadline.

There is the morning ritual I try to stick to every morning. I've decided I need to be out of bed by 5:30 a.m. Then I should write in my journal and exercise. Make the list of things to-do.

I'm an early riser so being awake at the time is not an issue. But it's still hard to actually get out of bed. I'd rather lie under the covers, feel all warm and cozy, and let my thoughts wander. But this morning I got out of bed at 5:30. However, I didn't stick to the idea of writing in my journal right away. Instead, I  got on the computer -- something I know I shouldn't do -- and looked up stories about Whitney Houston's death.

I was procrastinating. I often don't want to write in my journal. It's not always pleasant and it can be a little scary: making note of moments from the previous day in which I can say I wasn't self-disciplined enough or in which I said or did something that feels inconsiderate. But I can also make notes of good things that happened, small moments and observations; a chat I had with my son.

I'll go to gym soon. I try to exercise every day. As early as possible in the morning is better for me. Those endorphins really do clear my head and give me energy. But, yes, going out to exercise is not this automatic thing. Moments of dread and doubt always creep in. I consider things I imagine I would rather be doing: reading about Whitney Houston or lying in bed letting my thoughts wander.

But really, once I'm out of the house I feel better.

I'm sure I'm overthinking all of this. Maybe most people just "do." There have been times in my life when I was more of someone who would just "do." These days I still "do" but I guess I've developed an awareness over how much has always been involved in just doing.