What I Want For Christmas: A Sexy Dick Cheney Calendar

The publisher of Halfway to Concord recently came across a great idea for those of struggling to find a gift for that friend or relative who seems to have everything. In poking around the Republican National Committee website, the publisher came across the 2009 Official RNC Calendar ($25), which the RNC calls a ”stirring tribute to our nation’s 43rd Presidency,” and features photos of George W. in a variety of happy, friendly settings.

On the comment section for this Halfway to Concord post, I suggested that it would be cool if all the heroes of the GOP posed for a 2009 calendar.

But you know what would really get me into a frenzy of sending bucks to the RNC? A Dick Cheney calendar!

Can you imagine? Twelve or more photos of the soon-to-be-ex-president (er, vice president), also in a variety of happy, friendly settings: hunting, sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office, hanging with his neocon buddies, doing grandfatherly things with the son of his lesbian daughter. Just the thought of 12 images of Dick to carry me through 2009, after this Obama guy takes office, just, well, gets my heart pounding and a warm, tingling feeling rising up from deep inside.

True confession time: I have a big, fat, sloppy crush on Dick. I can’t explain why. It’s not like he’s going to be voted People magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. He’s a little too, um, mature, for this honor, and, yes, pudgy, and bald. Also, he wears glasses. Of course, his glasses could transform him into a “thinking woman’s sex symbol.” I might rate as a “thinking woman” 'cause I read books once in a while and stuff.

At any rate, I am just wild about Dick. And I’m struggling to figure out why.

No, I don’t think it’s a weird father fixation.

Okay, here’s what it could be. I think back to the 2004 presidential campaign and his debate against John Edwards, whom other women might have found hunky until it was revealed that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife.

With regard to Dick, I remember sitting there riveted by his performance. I thought, this guy’s smart, he’s got all the answers, he’s so damned sure of himself. For example, when Edwards accused Dick of falsely suggesting a link between Iraq and the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, Dick replied , with perfect, silky ease: "The senator has got his facts wrong. I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11, but there's clearly an established Iraqi track record with terror."

Oh, baby!

The thing is, I find so many of the positions that Dick supports reprehensible. Evil. And that’s it! He’s a bad boy. He’s a very, very bad boy, the baddest of them all: his stealth ways of consolidating power into our nation’s executive branch, his advocacy for violating the Geneva Conventions and for inhumane methods of interrogating alleged terrorism suspects. He’s the puppet master of all puppet masters. He's our modern American Marquis de Sade.

Shh, don’t tell my husband, but I have this fantasy. It's a little twisted, but so is Dick. It is this, to be personally waterboarded by Dick Cheney. 

Oh, I’m shaking at that thought, and I don’t think I can write much more or, well, you know. I’ll just end by saying that a lot of us gals have our Bad Boy fantasies, and Dick fulfills mine. So, please, please, please, Republican National Committee: Line up a Dick Cheney calendar and I’ll be sending that $25 check.