Zombies invade "Perfect" suburban Walnut Creek neighborhood!

Well, a zombie invasion is the scenario my son concocted while we took a long walk in a Walnut Creek neighborhood over the hill from our own. Before we arrived at the neighborhood, my son described it as "perfect," but "perfect" in a way that was too "perfect," too pristine, too, strangely quiet and devoid of life.

I've gone running through this neighborhood in the early mornings on one of my regular routes. The homes are newer and bigger than the ones in our neighborhood--part of a development or several developments that went up in the '80s or /90s. The neighborhood slopes down a hill, towards a strip mall with a Safeway. Its modernist, split-level and ranch homes are set amid immaculate landscaping.

It's always quiet when I run through it at 6 in the morning.

It was odd how it was just as quiet when my son and I strolled through it at about 1:30 on Saturday afternoon.

It was a gorgeous spring afternoon, the kind that beckons people out of their homes, into their front yards, driveways, out onto their streets.

Mildly warm. Blue skies with puffy white clouds. Everything in people's gardens and in the nearby grasslands, including the wild yellow mustard blossoms, were in bloom. Poppies burst bright orange in people's native-plant-bedecked front yards.

But my son was right about the strange quietness of this "perfect" neighborhood. As soon as we crossed into it, via a short walking path from our neighborhood, things suddenly became much quieter. We stopped hearing the birds tweeting, for one thing. And we saw no one out and about, walking in the neighborhood, or gardening in their front yards, or moving things out of their garage. We saw no one.

But, yes, it was "perfect." Homes neatly painted, and shrub and flower balds also neatly in place, and clipped and weeded. All the plants looked healthy and thriving. None of the plants seemed to be dying from drought thirst--like in my yard--or of old age and disease. The lawns looked freshly mowed.

I suppose I've corrupted my son, but he, like his twisted, cynical mother, couldn't help but imagine a sinister story lurking beneath all this suruban perfection. And, as we walked through the neighborhood, he began to spin a story of how, suddenly, residents of this perfect neighborhood wake up to find themselves cordoned off from the rest of the community, the rest of the world.

Quarantined!

The reason?

A zombie invasion. Zombies marching in the streets of the perfect neighborhood. Zombies popping up outside residents' living room window. Zombies, zombies, zombies. Vacant-eyed, shambling, deadly, trampling through the neatly trimmed shrub and flower beds.

No, my son hasn't seen The Stepford Wives (The 1975 Katherine Ross version, thank you very much), but there was something about his imagined scenario that reminded me of that film's illusion of suburban perfection masking an underlying lethality and robotic vacuity.

You never know. My son's idea for Zombies invading a Perfect Walnut Creek neighborhood could be coming to a movie theater or X-box game. Or he could make his video and post it on the award-winning website, Lostzombies.com, a community-generated documentary, which was created by three East Bay suburban guys.

More Sully-Mania: Katie Couric in hero pilot’s Danville kitchen and on CBS Early Show in morning TV ratings smackdown

CBS will devote most of its Early Show this coming Monday to the heroic tale of Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger, who safely landed his disabled US Airways jet in the Hudson River, saving the lives of 155 crew members and passengers, the Huffington Post says.

Besides talking to Sully and other crew members, The Early Show will also talk to rescuers and survivors. Sully is also scheduled to appear on ABC's Good Morning America on Monday morning.

Actually, CBS and Couric are really milking their interview coup with Sully. He’ll be on CBS 60 Minutes with Couric Sunday night. You can watch a teaser to that here.

This Early Show Sully move is seen as a direct attack on the mighty Today show (Couric’s old stomping grounds) and its host Matt Lauer, Couric’s former partner. If you’ll remember, Lauer was originally scheduled to land the first exclusive interview with Sully, before Sully or his people backed out and went to Couric and CBS.

But Today show is striking back, with Ann Curry’s exclusive interview with that Southern California woman who—ewww—recently gave birth to octuplets.

As the Huffington Post says, it’s “the hero pilot vs. the tired mom.” Which interview will draw more viewers? Actually, the “tired mom” has touched off a hot debate about the ethics of when and how doctors use in vitro fertilization because Octuplets Mom is a single woman, who already had six kids before giving birth to these eight.

And what’s also weird, besides Octuplets Mom, is how Sully, a much-proclaimed humble, small town man, has wound up in the midst of this battle of the networks and the network stars.

And, as I asked earlier, is Sully-mania on the verge of “jumping the shark”? Has it already?

Is Contra Costa’s Sexiest Man Alive the Mayor of Claycord?

Move over George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and the perenially shirtless Matthew McConaughey. There could very well be a new guy, right here in our East Bay suburbs, who could push any of you off the cover of People magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive issue.

Yes, I’m seriously beginning to wonder if a certain local blogger qualifies for this nationwide distinction. And, come on, some of you Ladies out there—and you Gents, who are so inclined—haven’t you also been wondering something along these lines?

Here’s my take on all this:

I was home sick Monday with a cold. To divert my attention from my sore throat and sniffles, I decided to watch something on TV starring a favorite Hollywood heartthrob. Curled up on the couch in my old sweatpants (I probably should say black lace teddy), I began to surf all those cable channels I rarely get a chance to visit. There was the above-mentioned George Clooney in an ER re-run, an episode I had seen before. I could have popped in one of my Russell Crowe DVDs—Crowe in tough-but-tender Gladiator and LA Confidential mode—but I was feeling too head-clogged to raise myself up from the couch to go searching through my special DVD stash. So, I searched Turner Classic Movies for a favorite old movie starring Gable, Bogart, or Brando.

Still, no luck.

So I picked up my laptop and began surfing local news websites and blogs in case there was anything worth blogging about.

And what do I come across? The Contra Costa Times profile of the Mayor of Claycord and the description of him as the mysterious, elusive author of the popular Claycord.com, which gets 3,000 hits a day. And then there was his online chat with Times readers.

I know this might sound loopy, but I thought, wow, a new local heartthrob was born.

Yes, I realize that a guy who apparently spends a lot of his day listening to a police scanner and gets all hot and bothered about “new crosswalks in Pleasant Hill” and other guys getting “tasered by police in Concord” might be a dweeb or a bit twisted. But, for now, I'm more than willing to put aside those initial impressions, and look at other qualities the Mayor possesses that give him People cover boy potential. Specifically, let's consider these qualities in terms of evolutionary biology and what women are hard-wired to crave in a man.

--First, when it comes to principles of natural selection and mating, women crave a man who has power. Look at even dweebie-looking guys who have attained power in their respective professions—rich guys, rock stars, and celebrities. Look how they end up getting hot-looking younger women to marry them and even bear their offspring. Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Mick Jagger, to name just a few. These men have power in terms of fame, talent, influence, and money.

(And, by the way, Mayor, I’m in no way suggesting you are dweebie-looking, I’m just trying to make a larger point about how a man's display of power can tantalize the female of the species).

--Okay, I’m not sure about the money part with regard to the Mayor. I did hear some rumor that he's a trust fund brat, or he cashed in on Google stock way back when. But even if he isn't Donald Trump rich, and even if he is just an "ordinary" citizen like the rest of us, he definitely has power in terms of fame, talent, and influence--certainly in the East Bay suburbs. Remember, also, there was that effort to draft him to run for president of the United States.

He gets all these visitors to his site and people commenting on his blog. He's even got Concord Mayor Laura Hoffmeister apparently spending an entire three-day weekend reading his blog, looking for clues to his true identity. And you know, unlike the Mayor of Claycord, I have never personally met or chatted with Mayor Hoffmeister. But, if I could coax her to a bar and feed her a couple Cosmopolitans, I bet she would spill her guts about her fascination for--and maybe even crush on--the Mayor of Claycord.

--And speaking of Hoffmeister's facination with the Mayor's true identity, this brings us to another key component of the Mayor's appeal. He is the Man of Mystery. More than Jane Eyre's Byronic man-with-a-deep-dark-secret Edward Rochester, the Mayor carries with him that deeply guarded sense of anonymity that women want to unlock and be privy to.

--He's married. Or so he claims with his occasional references to Mrs. Mayor, and to the Times’ reference to his two kids. Hmm. I hate to accuse the Mayor of fudging on his marital status, but there's this part of me that wonders whether he is one of those guys you hear about: These are the cute guys at the office who are really single but who wear wedding rings because they figure it’s a turn-on for some of their female coworkers. These men know there are women who tend to go for married, unavailable men, either because of their own lack of self-esteem, or because they get turned on by the excitement of a forbidden affair, and, like the faux married guy they hook up with, these women aren't really looking for a long-term commitment.

--He's friends with cops, especially members of the Concord SWAT team, as shown by this story he posted back in September of his hunky SWAT friends in SWAT training. Speaking for myself, ever since seeing Keanu Reeves costumed in that SWAT team outfit when he played a cop in the 1994 action blockbuster Speed, I get weak in the knees whenever I see a cop in a SWAT team outfit. Personally, I've never seen the Mayor in a SWAT team outfit, but the thought of that image is pretty, uh, exciting.

-- The Mayor has his bad boy side, which definitely came out when he poked fun at Ruth Carver, the Walnut Creek mom who was trying to move several schools from the Mt. Diablo Unified School District into the Walnut Creek and Acalanes school districts.

--Ultimately, the Mayor has his sensitive, humble, and socially responsible side as well, shown, for example, by his expressions of concern about Katie Grace Groebner, the young girl who suffers from a rare disorder and needs a heart-and-lung transplant. Or his statements to the Times that he’s not a “big wig. … I’m just a regular guy.” And his proclamations in the same interview about how he started Claycord.com “because I love the community, and was never in it for the money. I started it just to keep the community informed, and didn't see dollar signs.”

--And, finally,the Mayor has a sense of humor, a quality in a man that us gals should never discount. In fact, I believe a shared sense of humor is the key to finding one's soul mate. The Mayor's playful sense of humor has shown up when he runs videos like “Stupid Kids Do Stupid Things at Sunvalley." Or when he talks about trying not to take any of this Claycord.com blogging business too seriously.

--And, really, finally, he'd be tech savvy enough to figure out a way to Photoshop his own mystery sillhouette onto the above People magazine cover. Women like men who are good with those technical things.

Paris Hilton's Economic Stimulus Plan

Okay, I haven't been posting very happy local economic news over the past few days: Walnut Creek's budget woes, Elephant Pharm closing, hundreds in the area to lose jobs, schools struggling with deficits and possible teacher lay-offs.

Thank goodness for Paris. In SFGate.com's Daily Dish, we learn that the multi-millionaire will help "the struggling economy by doing what she does best: shopping."

So, instead of more bad economic news, I can report on someone who is offering a solution to all our woes.

Unlike most of the rest of us, Hilton admits "her income has not been affected by the current international financial crisis, with many promoters still paying her thousands of dollars just to make an appearance at certain nightclubs. And Hilton is adamant that she can give the retail industry a boost by continuing her excessive spending."

"She tells British magazine Heat, 'It's really scary about the economy right now. So the way I'm playing my part in helping is doing a lot of shopping wherever I go.' "

Way to go, girl! And thanks for all you're doing for us! And you know what's really cool and patriotic about Paris? She has pledged to focus her stimulus plan on the American economy by vowing only to wear clothes by U.S. fashion designers.

And, hmm. I wonder if we could get Paris to come to Walnut Creek and spend some of her hard-earned dollars here. We need to get our mayor and city council to contact Paris's people and extend an invitation. Maybe give her a key to the city as an incentive. Good photo op for Paris, and what a morale booster it would be for all of us.

Parkmead Elementary 1971: Do You Know Any of These Kids?

Something that made me smile: A kindergarten class from Parkmead Elementary School in Walnut Creek 1971. A friend passed along a photo he received from another friend. Okay, I did attend Parkmead Elementary around this time, but, no, this is not my class.

The Mayor Strikes Our Community Again With This Amusing Photo

The Mayor of Claycord, the demented (and I do mean demented in the best possible sense) but dogged publisher of that wickedly wise local news blog, claycord.com, rather enjoyed my post asking whether the Gilded Age is over for some Contra Costa housewives, notably those whose husbands' portfolios once (before GEC--global economic crisis--hit) could rival those of any Central Asian or African despot.

And now, maybe these women are, like, having to put off getting their hair highlighted every eight weeks instead of every five

Anyway, the Mayor resurrected this funny photo that he says he shot somewhere in Pittsburg. He kindly passed it along to me, and I figured I'd post it.

Anyway, I don't know about this guy, this self-proclaimed Mayor of a non-existent entity. Claycord??? Is he deluded or is he a genius? Is he a little bit of both? I think you'd have to be a bit of both to put in the kind of crazy time he does to claycord.com.

Hmm, maybe he is the future William Randolph Hearst of the Contra Costa publishing blogosphere. And maybe the Mayor will run for public office. The Mayor has already been drafted to run for president. I think the Mayor could give Sarah Palin a good run in 2012, and he'd have no problem squashing that Obama guy.

Has the Mayor started his exploratory committee for his 2012 presidential run? I have put this question to him several times, but he keeps ducking my inquiries. Does he have skeletons in his closet that would preclude a presidential run? All I can say to the Mayor is, if you're seriously thinking of a run for the leader of the free world, I hear that Karl Rove might be looking for a job. At least, check out Karl's cool website!

What I Want For Christmas: A Sexy Dick Cheney Calendar

The publisher of Halfway to Concord recently came across a great idea for those of struggling to find a gift for that friend or relative who seems to have everything. In poking around the Republican National Committee website, the publisher came across the 2009 Official RNC Calendar ($25), which the RNC calls a ”stirring tribute to our nation’s 43rd Presidency,” and features photos of George W. in a variety of happy, friendly settings.

On the comment section for this Halfway to Concord post, I suggested that it would be cool if all the heroes of the GOP posed for a 2009 calendar.

But you know what would really get me into a frenzy of sending bucks to the RNC? A Dick Cheney calendar!

Can you imagine? Twelve or more photos of the soon-to-be-ex-president (er, vice president), also in a variety of happy, friendly settings: hunting, sitting behind his desk in the Oval Office, hanging with his neocon buddies, doing grandfatherly things with the son of his lesbian daughter. Just the thought of 12 images of Dick to carry me through 2009, after this Obama guy takes office, just, well, gets my heart pounding and a warm, tingling feeling rising up from deep inside.

True confession time: I have a big, fat, sloppy crush on Dick. I can’t explain why. It’s not like he’s going to be voted People magazine’s next Sexiest Man Alive. He’s a little too, um, mature, for this honor, and, yes, pudgy, and bald. Also, he wears glasses. Of course, his glasses could transform him into a “thinking woman’s sex symbol.” I might rate as a “thinking woman” 'cause I read books once in a while and stuff.

At any rate, I am just wild about Dick. And I’m struggling to figure out why.

No, I don’t think it’s a weird father fixation.

Okay, here’s what it could be. I think back to the 2004 presidential campaign and his debate against John Edwards, whom other women might have found hunky until it was revealed that he cheated on his cancer-stricken wife.

With regard to Dick, I remember sitting there riveted by his performance. I thought, this guy’s smart, he’s got all the answers, he’s so damned sure of himself. For example, when Edwards accused Dick of falsely suggesting a link between Iraq and the terrorist attacks of September 11, 2001, Dick replied , with perfect, silky ease: "The senator has got his facts wrong. I have not suggested there's a connection between Iraq and 9/11, but there's clearly an established Iraqi track record with terror."

Oh, baby!

The thing is, I find so many of the positions that Dick supports reprehensible. Evil. And that’s it! He’s a bad boy. He’s a very, very bad boy, the baddest of them all: his stealth ways of consolidating power into our nation’s executive branch, his advocacy for violating the Geneva Conventions and for inhumane methods of interrogating alleged terrorism suspects. He’s the puppet master of all puppet masters. He's our modern American Marquis de Sade.

Shh, don’t tell my husband, but I have this fantasy. It's a little twisted, but so is Dick. It is this, to be personally waterboarded by Dick Cheney. 

Oh, I’m shaking at that thought, and I don’t think I can write much more or, well, you know. I’ll just end by saying that a lot of us gals have our Bad Boy fantasies, and Dick fulfills mine. So, please, please, please, Republican National Committee: Line up a Dick Cheney calendar and I’ll be sending that $25 check.

Do I Have Any Reason to Post This Photo of Jessica Biel?

Absolutely not. No, she's not from the East Bay suburbs? And, as far as I know, she isn't visiting our fair communities as part of some publicity blitz for whatever her next movie is

The truth is that I have no legitimate, newsworthy reasons to run her photo, other than that: 1) Her image glams up this site, in which I tend to focus on my dark, twisted view of our suburban world; and 2) a co-worker has a big crush on her.

Speaking of his crush, I'm not sure how seriously I should take it. Only a few months ago, he had a big crush on the Other Jessica (Alba). But I understood his Jessica Biel appreciation. I haven't seen too many of her movies, and I didn't watch Seventh Heaven, the TV show she was in, but I developed a woman-crush on her after watching the indie-romantic film, The Illusionist, in which she plays the doomed fiancee of the crown-prince of the Austria-Hungarian Empire. She is the elusive muse of a master magician, played by Edward Norton. In that role, Jessica was classically beautiful and affectingly tragic. Those eyes; those cheekbones. And isn't she dating Justin Timberlake? Anyway, I can see why my co-worker is smitten.

Update: So, after posting this little item, I go out to the driveway, pick up my Contra Costa Times and see these headlines: "State sinking in red ink"; "Family crisis lines entering crisis mode." I almost wanted to cry.

I tried to work out my ever growing sense of Angst and Weltschmerz by heading to the gym. While on one of those cardio machines, what do I read to cheer myself up? "Anatomy of a Meltdown," a profile of Ben Bernanke's handling of our financial crisis. "For the past year and a half, the government has confronted a financial debacle of unprecendented size and complexity. ... In responding to the crisis, Bernanke has effectively transformed the Fed into an Atlas for the fianancial sector ... making it global capitalism's lender of first and last (and sometimes only) resort.

I wanted to cry some more.

And, I thought of my Jessica post, and how movies and magazines, especially fashion, life-style, and entertainment magazines, continue to grind out fun, fluffy, glitzy escape. Of course, I recently read in some business report that luxury fashion magazines like Vogue and Vanity Fair were really hurting, with their ad revenue having dropped somewhere in the double digits. The new January Vanity Fair, with Tina Fey on the cover, is as thin--from far fewer luxury designer product ads--as one of the Olsen twins.

But hey, here's my bid to go the Vogue and Vanity Fair route, even though that route might not be working so well for them any more (Vanity Fair, by the way, first went out of business during the Great Depression, and if we're in GD2--Great Depression 2). Oh well, here's your gaze at a pretty celebrity. To my co-worker and anyone else who likes this sort of thing, enjoy.